Never the same again: Becoming a parent

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By: Maggie Redshaw

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Article Summary

Becoming a mother, becoming a father, and together becoming parents usually involves a major change in how you see yourself, your lifestyle, your plans for the future and your relationship.

It can seem as if the transition to parenthood is almost instantaneous. You switch into the role with the congratulations of those in the delivery room, the relatives and friends waiting outside and on the phone. In fact becoming a parent is a much longer drawn out process, starting with pregnancy or even before that in thinking about having a baby.

The impact of the birth of a baby is indeed life-changing: it directly affects the woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth and her partner and also affects how they see each other.
A twosome has become a threesome and with that comes new possibilities for fun and fulfilment and for complications.

Having a baby and bringing up that baby is a process in which you repeatedly move between focusing on the present and on the future. All parents-to-be have expectations and at the centre of these expectations is the 'perfect baby', 'perfect parenting' and a 'perfect relationship' with partner.

This is demanding a great deal of all those involved and a key element in adjusting after the birth of a baby is dealing with the inevitable mismatch between our expectations and the reality of life as it actually happens.

Emotional and practical consequences

The responsibilities and the things you absolutely have to do when you have a young baby can seem quite overwhelming. There are immense emotional highs and lows that go with the delight and pleasure in a new baby and with the tiredness, lack of sleep and lack of choice and control about some aspects of life.

How you experience becoming a parent is an individual thing, with variations in reactions and in the time taken to adjust:

Confidence and self-esteem is often high immediately after the birth, especially with family and friends around, but when left alone you can feel quite vulnerable
Physical tiredness and exhaustion can really wear new parents down and there never seems enough time to get everything done that you would like to
Not everyone feels a loving and close bond with their baby instantly, for some it takes a while longer
Women take variable lengths of time to recover from the physical and emotional changes associated with giving birth
If a baby or new mum is unwell after the birth, there are extra stresses and pressures on all those concerned
There are many competing demands for your time and attention - baby, partner, meals, housework, family, friends
Partners can feel left out, even jealous, when mothers are naturally very preoccupied with their new baby at this time
Many parents change home or choose to move house at this time, with all the extra stress and uncertainty that involves
Some changes to lifestyle are an inevitable part of the process of becoming parents, though it is not always possible to predict which ones - getting a different kind of car, going to the gym or pub less or joining a parent and toddler group
The loss of autonomy and choice, which having a young and dependent baby involves, takes time to adjust to and some new parents react better than others

While your particular experiences are unique to you, at the same time there are many aspects that you share with others. There are great benefits to talking and listening to other mothers and fathers, especially those who may be going through a similar experience. This may be on the bus, in the clinic, in the park or playground, at mother and baby groups or get-togethers.

Making the effort to get out is really important, even though you now need a ton of equipment, forward planning like would never believe, and a enough patience to change your baby's clothes yet again after he of she has just spit up over the outfit you had just put them in. Isolation is not a good idea for new parents and their babies.

Being a parent and a partner

Looking after everybody's needs, including your own can be a big issue. Physical closeness is important and finding time to be together can be difficult. Quality time can be in short supply and conversations and time set aside to be together are often interrupted.

Make some time to be together with your partner- switch off the TV and phones
Think about your new role as parent and your role as a partner and what is important to you about both
Finding someone to talk to can be great, especially other parents who have been or are going through the same process of becoming a parent
Keep in touch with old friends too - you need them and those without babies will learn from your experience
Hang on to your sense of humour
If you are missing work, find others in the same boat to talk over the issues
If you are going to return to work, begin to plan ahead with your baby and partner in mind
If you feel your mood is particularly low or that of your partner, seek help (men can get depressed at this time as well as women)

Don't expect everything to be as it was before the pregnancy or before the baby was born. Some men and women adapt to parenthood and its demands relatively easily, experiencing a minimum of stress. Others will have a much harder time. Some of this may depend on your own upbringing, the support you have around, whether the pregnancy was planned, the financial resources available and whether you have a baby with an easier or more difficult temperament to care for and bring up.

Working at it is important - maintaining a loving emotional and physical relationship with partner, while establishing a new relationship with your baby is not easy. If it seems to be difficult, talk to others and if necessary get outside help. Keep the channels open, don't give yourself a hard time, have confidence in your abilities and learning, this is the first step in a new and exciting phase of life.

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