Go bump in the night

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By: Dieter Wolke

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Article Summary

Every parent has some degree of trouble getting their children to go to bed and stay in bed. Struggles over going to sleep and night waking are the most common concerns we get on the website and the ones I'm asked about most frequently. Here we look at sleep from the child's perspective, and then explore some sleep problems and solutions for parents.

Routine Is Everything

Sleep is Separation

Endless Drinks of Water

Getting Into Parents' Bed

Nightmares

Night or Sleep Terrors

Sleepwalking and Sleep Talking

Routine Is Everything

Children will behave better about anything if they can see a pattern they can rely on. A regular bedtime and a standard routine for settling down for the night both help children to understand what's expected. It provides children with security - they know when things are going to happen. If the time, the place or the routine changes all the time, then anxiety, confusion and room for negotiation may creep in. Although some children rely on regularity more than others do, all benefit from a bedtime routine.

A good bedtime routine for just about any young child lasts about 30 minutes. You can start with a routine when your child is still a baby - in the first months of his life. It can include a bath, a snuggle, a story, or a song. If the routine lasts longer than that or becomes too elaborate, the child starts to get excited rather than settle down. A routine of under 30 minutes makes most young children feel as though they are being chased into bed.

If weekend and weekday bedtimes vary by more than an hour, expect trouble on Monday. For best results, try to stick to the same timetable all week. This plan is difficult for families who like to have a lie-in at the weekend, but my experience suggests that if at least one parent gets up with the children on Saturday and Sunday morning, life will go more smoothly overall. It also gives many dads the chance to have some quiet time in the morning with their child or children.

Children should sleep in the same place every night if possible. Changing location - sleeping in different beds, on the floor or on the sofa - makes it difficult for children to get into a good pattern. If children are in a joint physical custody situation after a divorce, do your best to ensure that the routine and some of the physical features, such as the pillow or blanket, are the same in each place. Parents in different households need to coordinate bedtime routines so that they provide much the same structure.

Sleep is Separation

From the child's point of view, going to sleep is a separation: from parents, from siblings, from toys, from the exciting events of the day, and from whatever is continuing to go on in the household. Why would a child readily give all this up - especially when it means going into a dark room where monsters may lie under the bed, ghosts could float outside the window, or snakes might slither under the sheets? Few children go to bed without some struggle and adjustment. And no child sleeps in his own bed by himself without a lot of prompting, learning and firm rules that don't change.

For parents too, this is a separation. Although most parents say that they are ready to let go of their child at the end of a long day, many really struggle with this. They give a child mixed messages, only partially enforce the routine, and can't handle the discipline needed to enable a child to sleep on his own. Some parents, especially when they have had little time with their loved one during the day, although sometimes unconsciously, appreciate being needed and called upon in the evening. As parents, we have to recognise and deal with our own difficult issues before we can solve any of our children's concerns.

Many cultures allow young children always to sleep with an adult next to them, and there is no harm in that. In fact, many families swear by the concept of the family bed. However, co-sleeping works only if everybody really agrees to the idea and everyone's need for some independence and privacy is met in other ways. Most families in Western societies think that a child should sleep in his own bed from infancy onwards. Either way, it's best to discuss this issue openly with your partner. Most parents take their children into bed with them sometimes, when they are ill, frightened or under pressure. That's fine, of course, but remember that the child won't gladly go back to his own bed without clear direction from his parents.

Endless Drinks of Water

The toddler who bounces up again like a jack-in-the-box just after going to bed, needs to be put back to bed with, at most, a single sentence of explanation. No discussions or negotiations, no more time watching television. Silently put him back into bed, tuck him in, and leave. At first, you may have to repeat this process a hundred times before he stays put, especially if you've been a bit lax about enforcing bedtime rules in the past. Be prepared for a struggle to establish this new routine. One drink of water is all right. One trip to the potty is enough. Be aware that if you sometimes enforce the rule and at other times let him have another drink and several trips out of bed, it will become more and more difficult to enforce a routine. Be consistent!

Getting Into Parents' Bed

If you really don't want your child to share your bed, silently put him back into his own bed, a hundred times if necessary, with no talking and no discussion. If you let him climb into your bed in the morning and go back to sleep, he won't understand what's different about doing the same thing in the middle of the night. For a child who is stressed by separation or has been co-sleeping with his parents for a long time, I recommend placing a sleeping bag on the floor of the parents' room and giving rewards to the child for moving closer and closer to his own room.

Nightmares

Nightmares, or bad dreams, are a sign of an active mind putting life's experiences in order. Although a child can have a nightmare at any time during the night, as he gets older he will dream towards morning, as adults do. In fact, most nightmares occur after the first three hours of sleep. We all use dreams and nightmares to handle stress, adjustments and pressures. Children have the capacity to dream as soon as they learn to talk, maybe even before. Young children can't usually remember their dreams, even the ones that wake them up. And since dream content isn't that important, don't push to get it. If a child is stuck with the same dream over and over for weeks, however, get a health professional to help work out the source of stress. Don't go after the monsters in the closet; just provide simple reassurance. If you take the monsters too seriously and start looking under the bed or in the wardrobe to reassure your child, you may actually achieve the opposite: "If mummy looks for them and shows me they are not there, then they could be there". It's hard for a child to be sure they aren't there, hiding under the bed. As your child grows, more dreams and nightmares will come in the early morning hours. About 70% of children experience nightmares every year during childhood.

Night or Sleep Terrors

These are abrupt partial awakenings that typically occur before midnight, that is within the first 3 hours of falling asleep. They often start with a high pitched scream. Children are flushed, sweaty and unresponsive to comfort. Night terrors are scary for a parent because the child looks so wild-eyed, often sits up in bed and thrashes about. But they are not abnormal or harmful, and the child will have no memory of the event in the morning. Keep him safe from injury as he moves around his bed and room. Many parents try to wake their child and talk about it the next morning. This may just worry your child. It is best to supervise your child and not to wake him. Within a few minutes he will settle down and won't remember a thing in the morning. He'll grow out of this. In fact, most night terrors occur between the ages of 3 and 7 years. You or your spouse may have had night terrors when you were youngsters, since they tend to run in families.

Sleepwalking and Sleep Talking

Both of these conditions run in families, increase in frequency and degree during times of stress and exhaustion, and are more common in boys. Because children can get hurt while walking about, keep the floors clear and stairways blocked. A door alarm may be needed for a habitual walker. Most children outgrow these conditions by adolescence. Don't take the night-time talk too seriously, as the content won't make much sense. And don't tease a sleepwalker or talker too much, because self-conscious children may worry that they are revealing secrets, or be reluctant to stay the night at another child's house. Reassure him that he's normal and that his sharp mind and lively imagination are just keeping him going at night.

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